


Afterwards

by inkedintoincognito



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Post-Series, TW: Self Harm, TW: Unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6947992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedintoincognito/pseuds/inkedintoincognito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years later and the aftershocks of Weirdmaggedon are hitting full-force; Mabel's world no longer bright and concrete, Dipper's so much more red and guilt-ridden.<br/>It hurts, and they're scared, but they have each other... so it has to be okay eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> hey who wants yet another new work (successfully ignoring all the other works that need updated) full of even more run on sentences and vague descriptions from yours truly  
> please hold your enthusiasm

You are beginning to _hate_ yourself. It took nearly three years, three years to see how awful you were- you are- to see how selfish you were- you are- to see that you were a mistake-

Are.

And you hated yourself even more for hating yourself, for shedding the light that everyone admired about you, for loosing the one good thing about yourself, replacing glittery eyes with flat ones, clouds over the sun your sparkles gone down the drain with the ocean of tears that you have so selfishly cried, drowning all of the people around you that used to be able to swim until you ripped away their life vests for yourself.

And for what?

_He_ was the one that was possessed. He was the one that fought and saw everything, three days of horror, a fractured leg that wasn’t caught until three weeks later. He was the one that had his body ripped apart. He was the one that almost _died_ , that pine tree so bright in your eyes, seared into your retinas, appearing in every dream- yes, it would have been unbearable to loose him, to loose your other half, but… but he would have lost his whole self. And you’re the one crying about _your_ fear? Your _potential_ loss?

Why is he still your best friend?

Why does he still put up with you?

Why does anyone, when you are the way you are now? When you’re up late sobbing every night, your parents rushing to your room to comfort you? When he’s forced to stay up late every night to come in and finish the job that neither of their parents could? When it is your tears stiffening his pajamas, ruining his t-shirts, wrecking his chance of making friends because you broke down at school again and again- another loser sobbing in the halls because she is not strong enough to stop the path of destruction that she has been bringing on for so many months now.

Once again, you are being stupid. Selfish.

_just like when you handed over that rift just like when you traded dipper in for some cheap knock-off just like when you didn’t leave right away just like when you condemned your family to days of worrying_

But, goddamn, you are so _scared._ All the time now, the walls warping around you, glitter is shrapnel and sometimes people turn into bugs, creeping crawling scabbering towards you and there’s no way to tell when it’s coming but you know- you always know that you’re the one causing it, that if you kept your hands to yourself, your secrets to yourself, your feelings to yourself there would be no danger but you cry every night and so there is danger, and so you may not really be in this world, in the _right_ world, and any moment Cipher is going to come around the corner and you’re so weak now that you wouldn’t be able to fight him off and he would take you away from Dipper again and-

He tells you that it’s okay, that you’re safe, that you’re in the right place with the right people and the bugs will go away and you feel sick to your stomach because this is the third time this week that you’ve knocked on his classroom door and he’s rushed out and pulled you to his chest in the hallway, in the girl’s bathroom, in the girl’s locker room and he’s putting himself in jeopardy, ignoring the warnings from the principal about being a boy in the women’s room but he says he wants you to feel safe and alone and in those confined, controlled spaces you do and you’re selfish so you don’t protest when he ushers you quickly to these places.

You’re a nightmare. You’re in a nightmare. You’re a nightmare.

_I’m sorry for being such an awful sister,_ you tell him, _for being such an awful person-_

His teeth click together and he hugs you tighter and shoots a glare at the girls that are trying to walk into the bathroom between classes.

_You are the best sister,_

_You are the best person,_

_I’m so happy you’re here,_

_I’m so happy you’re okay,_

And you wish you felt better but Dippy Fresh’s voice echos through your mind and you replaced this perfect brother with someone you thought was _better_ , as if that could happen-

_You didn’t replace me,_

_We’re together, we always will be,_

_I should have been a better brother,_

And you vomit and want to tell him you love him but before you can say the words he’s saying them and taking your hand and you go back to class- or go to the next class- and know that later on that night he’ll be in your room, again, because you’ll be crying, again, because your mother burst into bugs or your father calls your room MableLand or the television plays _that_ song or-

Or any of the million other things that could happen do happen and you’ll break and he’ll have to pick you up and put you back together again, and if you didn’t love him so much you’d swear that he hated you

_but as awful as you are you know he doesn’t, because you know what a wonderful person he is-_

too little too late a recognition, you think, and break out of his grasp to run back to the bathroom to vomit again.

Once again, he follows you; holds back your hair, waits with you. Walks with you to the therapist’s office for an hour of making up lies about awful nightmares based on a life you cannot tell anyone but Dipper about.

And you almost cry- again- when you walk outside and there he is, sitting in the waiting room, adjusting the hat Wendy gave him, ready to walk you home.

Often you want to scream because he went through so much worse than you and he isn’t doing what you are, he isn’t wrecking the family, but you love him so you won’t scream, because that would scare him.

Instead, in one of your rare moments of selflessness, you shove him to the side to get through the door first and laugh when he stumbles, darting through across the threshold, running full speed for a moment, looking back at the glass entryway when you don’t hear his footsteps right away, five seconds, ten seconds-

                                    _where is he where is he_

He bursts through, jacket on, head down and a growl in his throat, a grin on his face, and you scream when he begins to chase you, both of you running home

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

You hate yourself. (But you’ve always hated yourself.) But now you’ve ruined your sister. (Yeah, you have.) (You suck.) You know. (You’re the worst creature to have ever existed.) You know. (You should kill yourself.) You know.

(Are you going to?)

Not now. Mabel will need you soon.

(Coward.)

(Punish yourself.)

Okay.

(For your selfishness and for ruining her and for existing.)

Yeah.

 

You take out the X-Acto blade you swiped from Mabel’s room. You hate using something of hers. But-

 

(But you’re too cheap and too disgusting to go get your own.)

 

You sigh.

 

You’ll tell her you bought it yourself, if it ever comes to light.

Which it won’t.

 

You lock your door.

 

(Roll up your sleeves, yes, yes-)

 

Place the blade against your forearm and-

 

( _RIP IT TO THE SIDE)_

The sting, the sting, you hold your breath and watch blood bubble up and

 

(It's the exact color of her star, isn't it?) The one Bill's eye flashed the one that meant she was going to die (you would have lived) going to be ripped from him (you almost got her killed, couldn't save her even after you 'freed' her) you're so so wrong for this world, for her-

( _MORE MORE MORE YOU SELFISH PIG)_

Again and again and again and again

 

You should have gotten to her sooner, you can hear her crying, the low murmurs of your parents through the wall, she was alone in that nightmare for three days and you were too busy playing hero to get to her soon enough.

 

(Stop stop stop you don’t deserve death) You know. (But you should kill yourself.) (Later.) You will. You promise you will. Once Mabel is okay. (If she’s never okay?) She-

 

You pause.

 

She has to be. (Because if you’ve fucked your sister up for life, what are you going to do?)

 

You don’t know.

 

You sit there, numbing, watching your blood drip onto the tissue you put out below you.

 

You start when you hear your parents’ footsteps in Mabel’s room, grabbing a handful and pressing down on your arm, red bleeding through the white

 

(Go deeper next time.) You will.

 

hurriedly trying to stop the flow enough to roll down your sleeves without the blood staining through before Mabel is left alone for too long without you

 

(Bit too late for that, though, huh?) You want to cry.

 

Sleeves down, tissues in the bottom of the wastebasket, knife in the hollow tunnel at the top of your curtain, you put on socks and pad into Mabel’s room, getting there just as your parents open the door.

 

You slip past them, ignoring the clock that reads well past midnight, and crawl into bed with Mabel.

 

(Your arms are against her. Gross.) You sigh into her hair, wait for her to drift off to sleep, exhausted from her tears, and if your heart could crack anymore it would break apart completely and you would be a husk.

 

(Pretty fucked up that the only thing keeping that from happening is the sister you failed to save.)

 

You close your eyes, try to sleep with her. You have school tomorrow. She has school tomorrow. You ignore the thoughts that she is failing because of you, that her reality is messed up because of you, and the more selfish thoughts that Bill is coming back for you, and watch the fireworks behind your eyelids until you feel her stirring next to you, waking up for the school day. You slip away

 

(Blood on the sleeves?) Shit.

 

before she can see your carelessness, she doesn’t need more stress.

 

It’s third period when you see her outside the classroom door, tear-stained face staring at you through the glass.

You ignore the teacher and rush out of the room and grab her hand.

 

(Good thing you weren’t asleep like that other time.) You hate yourself.

 

She likes the locker rooms most, because there are big stalls you two can hide in, but the bathroom is closer so you rush her towards that, arm around her shoulder

 

(She’d be laughing with friends if you hadn’t done this to her)

 

and steer her into the corner, away from the mirror, whispering the things you know she finds soothing into her ear, denying all negative thoughts she voices about herself, squeezing her harder

 

(You took her light) You did (for yourself?) god, no (yeah, you did) no you have nothing but her (then where did her light go? her energy?) you don’t know (physics, dipper, energy created energy destroyed) but it’s not with you ( _THEN HOW ARE YOU HOLDING YOURSELF TOGETHER RIGHT NOW)_ _you don’t know!!!_ ( _SELFISH ANIMAL) YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOUKNOWYOUKNOWYOU-_

“I love you,” you say, and she smiles at you and says it back, wiping her tears, and you grab her hand and begin to walk back to class and

 

(Because you’re a miserable, selfish piece of shit)

 

she abruptly turns and rushes back to the bathroom and you choke on air, your chest caving in before you run after her.

 

She has therapy today and you walk her there

 

(It’s the least you could do.)

 

and sit and wait while she goes in to talk about the ‘nightmares’

 

(the reality that you gave her)

(the reality that should have been yours, you lied you manipulated the sweetest girl on earth and broke her)

(you should be in there not her)

(bill’s really gonna love this when he comes back for you)

(she should be with friends not with _you_ )

(you’re going to kill her)

 

you bend over, clutch your head. Yes, yes, yes yesyesyes _yesyesyes_

 

You pull yourself together before she emerges, do _not_ be selfish again, you do not deserve her comfort

 

(It’d be empty anyways, she probably hates yo-)

 

NO.

 

Never.

 

Right?

 

She smiles at you.

 

Right.

 

She walks towards you, you adjust your hat and tie your jacket tighter around your waist, it’s too hot to wear, thank goodness you wore long sleeves-

 

As she walks by, she lets out a laugh, and your heart swells at her grin before you feel her hands on your shoulder, on your arm, shoving you back, to the side as she scrambles for the door-

 

Your arm stings

a red line

 

(She’ll see, you idiot, you useless-)

 

You rip of your jacket and throw it on, glance up, panicked at the door-

 

She’s in the parking lot, looking back, her hands are starting to shake.

 

Because she saw?

 

(You stupid-)

 

No. Because she’s scared.

You’re taking too long.

 

You take a quick breath, memories of your games flashing through your mind, and throw yourself towards the doors- she is the cat, you are the dog and you are going to catch her

 

(And ruin her again)

 

And laugh with her again.


End file.
